Hope, Holiness, and Homosexuality: A Strategy for Ministering to Struggling Christians by John D. Street

One of the more significant challenges for Christians today is finding an effective, uncompromising, and yet compassionate ministry to gays and lesbians. Though it may be difficult to maintain a biblical balance in an ecclesiastical culture of extremes, it is vital for thinking Christians and biblical churches. On the one hand, there are churches that have rejected any notion of ministry to homosexuals and choose to rebuff them with disdain. On the other hand, there are churches that embrace and accept them into unquestioned fellowship. Both approaches are wrong. The former lacks Christlike love, and the latter biblical discernment. As we consider a right response, let’s begin by looking at several specific examples.

Derek, after becoming a Christian, has come out of a full-blown homosexual lifestyle. He senses the weaknesses of his habituated body and the sinful tendencies of his heart and thought-life. But he insists that he desperately wants to be freed from their control and domination. Furthermore, he believes that Jesus Christ is the solution to his battle and the misery it has engendered, but he is having trouble making the connection between his newfound faith and the biblical solutions that will bring substantive and lasting change. Of grave concern is that Derek married a Christian wife not long after his conversion. His desperation makes him seem like a nearly drowning man barely clinging to an ocean dock at which the powerful currents of desire threaten to pull him away.

A second young man, Chas, is single and very effeminate; many people at church assume he is a homosexual because of his mannerisms. The way he dresses, walks, and talks is noticeably different than that of the other men at church. It is unmistakable that his closest friends are the single young ladies in the college and career group, although he has never expressed special romantic interest toward any one of them. Even though his topics of conversation are more feminine than masculine (clothes, style, haircuts, etc.), he has never confessed any homosexual tendencies to anyone. Yet the evidence seems convincing, and to make matters worse, he seems closed to discussing this issue with anyone.

Then there is a single, middle-aged woman, Rosie, who was supposedly converted after two decades of lesbian relationships. She has become very active in the women’s ministry and Bible studies in the church. Rosie was never married and openly acknowledges that from the time she was a little girl she has never liked men. Her appearance is unmistakably masculine and she sports a short hairstyle. In recent years Rosie had been a semitruck driver for a local freight company. She proudly asserts, “I can do anything a man can do!” One of the pastor’s wives has even been concerned about Rosie’s interest in establishing a close relationship with her under the pretense of discipleship.

Cases like Derek, Chas, and Rosie are becoming more prevalent in the church. Increasingly, pastors and counselors are seeking guidance in ministering to professing Christians plagued with homosexual and lesbian desires that are “unnatural” (Romans 1:26).1 Our purpose in this chapter is to provide the Christian reader with biblically accurate and effective ministry points for helping other Christians tempted with homosexual desires, and to provide descriptive parameters for addressing the “gay agenda” in our postmodern era.

It should be noted that I am using the descriptive term “Christian” with qualification. I fully understand that a person who is homosexual (gay or lesbian) or effeminate is not a true believer no matter how passionate their claim (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:9–11).2 The gospel therefore must be the central discussion early in ministry to them. Unbelievers cannot be effectively counseled from Scripture unless they are first evangelized and respond in faith to Jesus Christ. Why? They are still slaves to sin, dead in their iniquities, having never been regenerated, transformed, or forgiven (cf. Romans 6:6,17-18; Ephesians 2:1-3; Titus 3:5-8). They do not live under the same biblical authority, nor are they indwelt by the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19; Galatians 5:19-23). Because their soul is dead, they have an unresponsive and hostile heart when it comes to the truth of God’s Word (Ephesians 2:5; cf. Romans 3:10-18). Many well-meaning Christians have stumbled here, trying to provide biblical help to homosexuals who were incapable of a heart-level spiritual response. This only leads to discouragement and frustration on the part of both. One vivid example of this comes from an unsaved pastor who finally came out of the closet about his homosexuality in what he called an “Open Letter to Family and Friends.”

This letter comes with a desire to break the silence of the last couple of years. A few of you have been attempting to contact me, and I have not responded for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, the time has come to address a few things to clear the air over some obvious changes in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.

You may feel that you never really knew me. That is an accurate statement indeed. The fact is that my life was devoted to one major goal over the last 25 years, that of escaping my sexual orientation. This required a great amount of duplicity, since I was never able or willing to disclose that to any of you.

By the time I was sixteen, I promised God that I would do anything I could to find healing and to avoid disappointing my family. For me as a naive young man, this meant college, seminary, marriage, and ministry. Through the years it came to mean countless hours in Christian counseling, support groups, books and seminars. I went through severe depression for weeks and months, despairing to the point of suicide. Day after day, year after year I studied, cried, prayed and memorized large portions of scripture. Many of you feel I haven’t tried. To that I say God only knows the lengths to which I have gone to make myself thoroughly heterosexual.

I reached the limit in June…with an emotional breakdown, resignation from the ministry, and a huge shift in my personal life…I live with my partner…

I am sure that you have been incredulous over this. Many of you have prayed for me, a few have written. Some of you have called. I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused, but that sorrow can never change who I am. My family continues to make adjustments. Your concerns for them have been greatly appreciated.

…I know you will practice separatist principles. Some of you will never speak to me again. I understand that. I don’t ask you to agree with me or to accept me. Fundamental churches have no place for people like me, that is clear. Just know the facts, and that I am here. I have many dear folk who have stood with me in these difficult times.

I appreciate the memories that many of us share. Please know that I care about you and miss you.

He refers to the “countless hours in Christian counseling, support groups, books and seminars” that were ineffective for bringing about change.3 Eventually it became apparent he had never surrendered his life to Jesus Christ as Savior. That realization is where true and lasting change begins. All the counsel and reading could not change his sinful heart because there had never been a genuine repentance unto salvation. To force Christian principles of moral behavior on an unbeliever only turns him into a Pharisee.

Even if extensive counsel is given to unbelievers, they cannot change themselves. Note how this man acknowledges “the lengths to which I have gone to make myself thoroughly heterosexual.” Many homosexuals who claim to be Christians try unsuccessfully to do the same. But this can happen only as a direct result of the radical regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. Thus, Christians who counsel an unbelieving homosexual, as with any unbeliever, should focus their efforts on the gospel and a call to repent. Though such counsel may require persistence and patience over an extended period of time, no true change can take place until the unbeliever genuinely embraces Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

In all three of our introductory case scenarios each individual claimed to be Christian. As a Christian friend, I am fairly confident that Derek is a believer because he understands the gospel and his desire to change is so strong, evidenced by his deep remorse and repentance over his sin. He is responsive to biblical teaching and admonition. Chas’s problem is more complicated. I have seen cases where some men were effeminate-acting heterosexuals who needed counsel on how to be more masculine in leadership, attitude, and action. They were open to some loving confrontation on how to act more in accord with biblical masculinity. But if Chas persists in being unresponsive to biblical counsel, there is reason to doubt that he possesses the teachable spirit that accompanies salvation. He is not compelled by the truth because there is nothing in his heart that resonates with it.

Then there is the sad case of Rosie. Once you understand her past as well as her attitude and actions with the other women at church, there is good reason to believe she is not a Christian. What is the difference with her case? It is her total disregard for biblical instruction and avoidance of God-appointed masculine leadership in the church. As an undershepherd of God’s flock, I would be
concerned that Rosie is a predatory female who has found God’s flock to be unsuspecting prey for her illicit appetite. She has found that Christians tend to relax their discernment when another claims to be one of them. In fact, many will even take up her defense if anyone questions the genuineness of her faith. And yet, the warning of our Lord is clear:

Not everyone who says to Me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?” And then I will declare to them, “I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness” (Matthew 7:21-23).

Rosie has a rebel’s spirit. Some guilt-ridden homosexuals and lesbians have taken refuge in the church in order to salve their conscience (cf. Romans 2:15). Subsequently, in spite of their stumbling intentions to feel better, their strong desires are still dominated by depravity and they proceed to practice their lust among God’s people. Women like Rosie often prey on Christian women who have unhappy marital relationships. She understands how a woman thinks and will often begin by being a strong but caring listener under the pretense of spiritual concern. Bible studies frequently turn into lengthy discussions on personal issues (something the husband often will not do with his wife). In a case like hers, the church needs protection and Rosie needs Christ. Like the “false teachers” mentioned by Peter who entice Christians to follow their “sensuality,” Rosie could be full of sensual greed in her attempt to exploit the unhappy women of the church (2 Peter 2:1-10).

If Rosie is willing to surrender her life to the Lord Jesus Christ and become accountable to church leadership she will find that biblical obedience, with the enablement of the Holy Spirit, can bring real and lasting change. If you are reasonably sure that your friend’s profession of faith in Christ is genuine, then serious ministry of the Word can begin to make changes in his or her life.

A Strategy for Ministering to Struggling Christians

After you are confident that your friend has a genuine desire to change and be obedient to Christ (like Derek), then it would be fruitful to take a careful inventory of their lifestyle and habits of thought. Frequently you will find that homosexuals grew up in a home characterized by one or more of the following: parental irresponsibility, molestation, absence of biblical role models (in the parents’ marriage), and either a total lack of religious influence or a very harsh, demanding, legalistic upbringing.

Understanding the personal history of your friend will greatly affect the direction of your biblical counsel. For instance, as Chas grew up he was small in stature. He was often ostracized by other boys. Even though he tried very hard to be accepted, they excluded him. From his earliest memories he reluctantly gravitated to girls and learned to resign himself to an effeminate lifestyle. His thoughts were full of anger toward God for making him this way and he eventually revealed that he would purposefully exaggerate his feminine mannerisms out of spite, especially at church and around Christians. He had to repent of his deepseated anger toward God and acknowledge that God had not made a mistake by making him the way He did (cf. Psalm 5:4; 92:15; Isaiah 46:9-10). There are, after all, some great men in the Bible who were small in stature (cf. 1 Samuel 16:7; Luke 19:3). Through effective biblical discipleship, Chas came to recognize that at an early age—as his desire for acceptance among other young men was rebuffed—his cravings inverted and he responded sinfully. Understanding the personal history of your friend is imperative if you are going to dig out dominating and sinful motivations, thoughts, and desires.

Here are some helpful principles for when you disciple the Christian who is tempted by homosexuality:

1. Identity must be formed “in Christ”

The theological understanding of the Christian being “in Christ” is critical for those who struggle with homosexuality (Romans 8:1; cf. Galatians 3:26-29; Ephesians 1:1; Philippians 1:1; 2 Timothy 1:1).4 Sometimes, early in discipleship, your counselees will express to you in so many words, “I am a homosexual.” They have become convinced by their own fruitless struggle with their sexual weaknesses or by the world’s relentless drumbeat that they are genetically hardwired this way and cannot change.5 Of course, this is a cultural
lie and it robs your counselees of hope.

Who they are “in Christ” must be the planet around which all their thoughts and actions orbit. This is more than just a metaphor, it has to do with how Christians view themselves—as undeserving sinners who enjoy the gracious provisions and righteousness of Christ in order to have full acceptance with God the Father. Gospel-centered counseling and discipleship is critical to establish early. When their thought-life is practiced “in Christ,” it brings hope and change to thoughts, desires, and behaviors. They think and act in new ways and abandon homosexual and effeminate dress, words, and mannerisms. It is especially effective to faithfully teach the principles of Romans 6:1-14 while recalling the earlier context of Romans 1:24-27. How Christians view themselves and their position in Christ will greatly affect their change and growth in sanctification. A Christian tempted by homosexual (or lesbian) desires is not a homosexual, he or she is a Christian! This thought and all of its theological richness is vital to understand if your counselees are going to possess the perseverance to defeat this foe.

2. Confession must include the condition as well as the behavior of homosexuality

Change begins when you see the problem as God sees it. This is when your spiritual perception can honestly identify aspects of the inner and outer man in sin. It is when you realize that your life is an affront to God’s holiness and you are crushed and broken because of it (Proverbs 28:13; James 4:8-10).

Some Christians, being more psychologically persuaded, advocate the misguided idea that homosexuality is a condition (caused by a chemical or genetic predisposition) that no one can help or change. Thus they say that although the practice of homosexuality is sinful, the condition is not. But no such distinction is made in Scripture. God does not just consider outward actions; He looks at the heart (cf. 1 Samuel 16:7; Psalm 7:9; Jeremiah 17:10). The Pharisees believed that as long as they did not actually commit adultery they were fine, but Jesus rebuked that idea and said that a man who lusts in his heart is already an adulterer (Matthew 5:28). God’s view of the problem does not divide the internal from the external.

Both the condition and the behavior are “unnatural” and grievously sinful, and the only hope for true change within and without is Jesus Christ (Luke 5:32; 1 Corinthians 6:11). When homosexually oriented, the body’s condition (biological urges) and behavior (thoughts, longings, and actions) are both in rebellion against God’s plan and order. Upon realizing this, the truly regenerate heart will respond with heartfelt sorrow and confession to God, as specific thoughts, desires, and deeds are acknowledged as sinful before Him. Confession gives it an appropriate label and calls it what God calls it—sin! Repentance follows as the proof of genuine confession.

3. Repentance must involve a complete renunciation of homosexual sin

Christians who have a history of homosexual struggles are in a special category of sin in Scripture. Every Christian struggles with daily sin and the subtle ways it manifests itself in his or her life (cf. Romans 7:23-24).6 These require continual confession and repentance. John Calvin said the Christian life is a race of repentance—not a race to attain repentance, but a race that is characterized by repentance. All Christians practice regular repentance from sins, but the homosexually tempted Christian has a particular sin that has been persistent and unrelenting for some time.

It is possible for some sins such as this to overshadow the Christian’s life for an extended period. In biblical counseling we call these “life-dominating sins” in order to theologically distinguish them from individual differentiated sins. Life-dominating sins are sins that the Christian continues to commit because he feels powerless to change, even though he knows these sins are wrong (cf. Psalm 19:13; 119:133; Romans 6:12-13). Jay Adams has defined them well:

When a man (as a man; a whole person) can be labeled fairly as a drunkard, homosexual, a drug addict, etc., he has a life-dominating problem. He is no longer merely a man, but the Bible speaks of him as a certain kind of man (drunkard; liar; double-minded, etc.); i.e., a man characterized by or dominated by the particular problem that gives him his name. The Bible labels those with life-dominating problems.7

Change necessitates an initial far-reaching repentance for sins that have become life-dominating. Genuine repentance is a change of mind that is so complete that it leads to a change of life (Matthew 3:8; Luke 3:8; 2 Corinthians 7:10). So repentance from life-dominating homosexuality must be so comprehensive that it renounces the entire lifestyle. Every thought, motivation, desire, word, habit, and action that has facilitated homosexuality must be confessed before the Lord as sin. This may require more than one counseling appointment to achieve. Then bridges need to be burned in that person’s life to make the repetition of the sin difficult (cf. Mark 9:42-50). If the person has friends (even so-called Christians) who encourage this sin, those friendships must end immediately. If the bridge is a co-worker or the work environment, the person needs to change jobs. Any pipeline that fuels the sin of homosexuality must be severed. Of course, the counselee must then focus on friends, activities, and thinking that will facilitate righteousness (cf. Colossians 3:5-11).

Confession and repentance do not end there. Every time and in whatever form this sensual sin raises its head, it must be struck down through confession and repentance. Confessional prayer is a critical tool for the homosexually enticed Christian.

4. God’s original model for sexuality must be taught

Most people who seek biblical help for overcoming homosexual desires are well aware of the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual sin (Genesis 18:20-21; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Deuteronomy 23:18; 1 Kings 14:24; 15:12; 22:46; 2 Kings 23:7; Romans 1:27; 1 Corinthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:8-11). Only those who have been infected with the pseudodoctrine of liberal theology (by “metropolitan churches” that advocate homosexuality and denounce the clear biblical teaching on this issue as “unloving”) refuse to recognize that it is a sin.8 Though they accuse Bible-believing Christians of being homophobic, they themselves are theophobic (afraid of God). They are driven to rewrite what the Bible says about homosexuality because they fear what God says.

However, most struggling Christians who desire real help already know homosexuality is a serious offense against God. For them, I rarely need to rehearse the strong scriptural prohibitions against homosexuality. However, I would examine the prohibition passages in-depth if I believed the counselee had adopted a cavalier attitude toward what God’s Word reveals on this subject.

A far more profitable approach has been careful instruction on God’s original design for sexuality. This would include detailed theological instruction on the divinely instituted paradigm for sexual intimacy (in heterosexual marriage) and the importance of the gender distinctiveness of Adam and Eve. In Genesis 1:26-27, we see that the distinctive genders are plural (male and female), reflecting the plurality of the Godhead (“Let Us make man”) and yet coming together into an essential unity of persons. God in relationship creates man in relationship, male and female, in perfect unity bearing His image (singular). Lesbian and homosexual relationships distort and destroy the reflective image of God that mankind in gender complement must have. Help your disciplee see the divine design and beauty of gender complementarianism, which is rightly exhibited in marriage (cf. Genesis 2:18-25).

Further instruction can be given on the creation mandate to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). This mandate was not given to two men or two women, but to a man and a woman. Without artificial means, homosexual or lesbian couples cannot procreate or fulfill God’s command. Such can only be naturally and righteously fulfilled through monogamous heterosexual marriage.

Two people of the same gender can be close friends, but it is impossible for them to enjoy the depth of companionship that God intended for a husband and wife in marriage. Eve was created as the effective counterpart to Adam in Genesis 2:18. The word “suitable” in that passage refers to her being made to correspond to Adam and thereby complement him in every way. God designed the male and female relationship, when living righteously as a husband and wife, for rich companionship. This is something homosexual relationships can never replicate.

Ultimately, every homosexual and lesbian relationship must borrow from God’s original design to survive—because every same-sex relationship has a dominant (male) role and submissive (female) role. Even in their sinful rejection of God’s original mandate, homosexuals tacitly give tribute to the “natural” created design of complementary gender roles.

5. Sexual relationships must be viewed as a matter of worship

Any perversion of God’s creation order in sexual relationships demonstrates idolatry. All sexual sin comes from a covetous heart that worships something other than the God of glory. The apostle Paul warns in Colossians 3:5, “Consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed.” Each of these terms is directly related to sexual sins. Then he adds, “…which amounts to idolatry.” In Christ, Christians are dead to these evils, but the warning Paul gave assumed his readers still struggled with them at times. Hence, they needed to think rightly about their earthly bodies being freed from such enslavements. Prior to salvation they were in bondage to sexual sins. But death frees slaves. Since Paul’s readers had died with Christ and been freed, they needed to understand that to return to such sins was to return to slavery and wholesale idolatry.

Christians who surrender to homosexual and lesbian temptations are bowing their heart to the idol of sexual greed (cf. Ephesians 5:3). It is false worship. Therefore it is imperative they return and worship the true and living Lord in heartfelt obedience. Once this is understood and the right type of worship is restored there will be a deep satisfaction that comes from a new and vibrant life surrendered to the Savior.