The Divorce Myth by J. Carl Laney  

Recommended sites:

Christian Divorce and Remarriage Joseph Webb

Response to comment [from a  Christian]: "I read Piper's blog on this a very long time ago, and he is completely disregarding grace, which he does have a habit of doing at times. I do not know anywhere in the Bible where God forced a woman to either stay and be abused by a husband who was unfaithful or force that woman to remain single for the rest of her life."

Jesus does not mention physical abuse. He mentions only sexual sin: "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery (Mt 5:32A)."

"Sometimes it is easy for people with good, godly marriages to only see life through the lens that marriage is simply good and God never ever allows for dissolution of the marriage unless someone dies. Yes, He hates divorce. I don't really know anyone who particularly loves divorce. There is nothing wonderful about it, but to demand that an abused woman stay abused or alone is not in the character of God no matter how much we want to stick with the "letter of the Law.""

Jesus said: "...and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Mt 5:32B)." If the woman remarries she makes herself an adulteress because she is still married to the living spouse. She is no obligated to fight for him because he has fulfilled the one exception given--committed adultery.

"Jesus was pretty good at addressing these issues and bringing clarity to the matter (and others like murder). If we take the same stance Piper takes, we are no better than the Pharisees."

Marriage is a permanent bond. Jesus said: "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mt 19:6. The two are married until one of them dies: "For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband (Ro 7:2).

Response to comment [from a Christian]: "1 Corinthians 7 applicable? So remarried people cannot be saved?"

Adulterers do not go to heaven (1 Co 6:9–11). Any sin can be forgiven except for the rejection of the Holy Spirit (Mt 12:32B).

Response to comment [from a Christian]: "We hashed this out a while ago on here too. Sexual sin in a marriage (aka adultery) is abuse. That is why I threw them together. The Jews at that time knew that in the cases of adultery, re-marriage was permitted.  Jesus was speaking to the Jews, so we have to take this into account."

Jesus said in the beginning it was not so (Mt 19:8).  God did not authorize divorce.  He hates it (Mal 2:16).  Marriage is a permanent bond (Matt. 19:6) dissolved only by death (Rom. 7:2, 3).  God sees the married couple as one (Ge 2:24).  God does not leave covenant relationships.

"In the case of Romans 7:2, Paul is addressing married women, not divorced women."

For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.  So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man (Ro 7:2–3).

Her second marriage is no marriage at all.  It is an adulterous relationship.  She is still married to the first man.

"Also, we can piece together lots of scripture to make a case for many different arguments, but it is very important to read everything within context and know who the audience is."

His audience, the Jews did as they pleased.  As usual they nullified God's words by their traditions (Mk 15:6).

"As stated before, I am such a woman who was abused and repeatedly cheated upon without remorse."

Then you are not obligated to fight for him due to his adultery.  Jesus said:  But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her commit adultery (Mt 5:32A).  If he leaves, you are not called to bondage. You are free to allow him to walk away and stay away (1 Co 7:15).  But, you are to remain single (Mt 5:32B).   You are still under the law of marriage until he dies (Rom. 7:2, 3).  God gives the believer (the abandoned or betrayed) the gift of continence.  He dose not give that same gift to the unbeliever so he will continue to destroy himself in his sexual sin (1 Co 6:18). 

"To say that the infidelity of my spouse shall bind me to him until the day he dies and that I may have no other husband other than he, is not found anywhere in the Bible."

Jesus said:  Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).

"Jesus allowed for biblical divorce.  To further say that such a woman must remain devoted to that man and have no other husband or family, would be to curse that woman and her children (if there were any) for a lifetime - especially in the days of Jesus."

That's true.  When men sin, woman and children suffer the most.  Moses sought to protect women but God did not revise the law of marriage.  That is why Jesus said if they remarry they become not wives but adulteresses (Lk 16:18).

"It is easy to sit here and find pieces of scripture to fit together to condemn and punish victims, but it is wrong."

You are the victim of his crime.  That is true.  God told Solomon not to multiply wives or horses (e.g. war) [Deut 17:16-18].  He did both.  What are ya gonna do?

"...Just as wrong as it would be to say that all miscarriages/babies/children who die before making a personal commitment to Christ, go to hell."

They have not committed sin yet.  Given time and chance they would but they have not yet.  Traditionally the church believed that children who died before the age of accountability were fortunate.  They believed that they were guaranteed entrance into heaven.  I would not be surprised to see all young children there who died young.  God is merciful.

"I do love the Law, and I believe the Law is completely true. I do not, however, think we should approach the Law as the Pharisees did - which is exactly what happens when we use it to punish and condemn the innocent while lifting up ourselves because we have upheld a certain 'part of it.'"

 If she remarries, she makes herself an adulteress and her new husband an adulterer (Lk 16:18).

Response to comment [from a Christian]: "Maybe this is just an after thought, but I would define a marriage first, "An exclusive covenant (not contract) relationship between one man and one woman under God." This is taken from the story of Adam and Eve, the first humans, also indicating God's original plan for mankind (Genesis 1-3)..."

Yes.  Unfortunately, men make it up as they go along.  He is to have one wife so that his prayers are not hindered (1 Pe 3:7).  When husbands break their vows, they destroy their wife and children.  God cares very much about how we treat one another:  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Ga 5:14.

And this is the second thing you do:

You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,

With weeping and crying;

So He does not regard the offering anymore,

Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.

Yet you say, “For what reason?”

Because the Lord has been witness

Between you and the wife of your youth,

With whom you have dealt treacherously;

Yet she is your companion

And your wife by covenant.

But did He not make them one,

Having a remnant of the Spirit?

And why one?

He seeks godly offspring.

“Therefore take heed to your spirit,

And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

 “For the Lord God of Israel says

That He hates divorce,

For it covers one’s garment with violence,”

Says the Lord of hosts.

Therefore take heed to your spirit,

That you do not deal treacherously.” Mal 2:13–16

Response to comment [from a Christian]:  [From your article] "In Ezra, those men were commanded to divorce their Canaanite wives and return to the Hebrew women they had left.  In one instance, at least, divorce was not only permissible, but commanded by God."

The second so-called marriage was no marriage at all.  Marriage is a permanent bond (Matt. 19:6) dissolved by death (Rom. 7:2, 3).

Regarding this passage J. Vernon McGee wrote: 

      "Jesus said that Moses was permitted to make this law because of the hardness of their hearts. There are a great many things which God permits in His permissive will. He     permits it because of the hardness of our hearts." McGee, J. V. (1991). Thru the Bible commentary: The Law (Deuteronomy) (electronic ed., Vol. 9, p. 152). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Jesus said in the beginning it was not so (Mt 19:9). 

Response to comment [from a Christian]:  "I simply and wholeheartedly disagree with you. I can piece together exactly what you did to "prove" that babies go to hell. But it doesn't mean that they do. The position you hold and base upon "biblical teaching" by grabbing verses here and there is nearly the same position Muslims hold."

Men are judged by exposure to the light of truth (Rom. 2:17–29).  If a baby has not sinned, how can he be held accountable?  He's broken no law.   

Islam is a perversion of Christianity (Ga 5:9).  The Koran is not inspired by God so what they teach is irrelevant.  Christians are persecuted by Muslims as scripture said they would be (Jn 16:2).

"And as for your statement that babies/children have not committed sin, that is not true..."

They are conceived with a sin nature (Ps. 51:5) but they have not yet committed a sin.   They are not responsible for what they have not seen (Jn 9:39–41).

"I see that you are very passionate about condemning innocent victims of spousal abuse in the name of Christ, but I'd warn that perhaps you stand exactly where the Pharisees stood."

The Pharisees undid God's law by their traditions (Mk 7:13).  Jesus made it clear that God gave the convenient of marriage (Gen. 2:18–24) and all that they'd done to reinvent it was wrong (Mt 19:8).

"In a perfect world, no one would get divorced, no one would sin. But we do not live in a perfect world. A bit of Jewish history goes a long way in understanding the context in which Jesus was speaking."

Some teach that God regulated:  spanking, divorce and polygamy (similar circumcision of heart vs. flesh).  I disagree.  God did not endorse divorce or polygamy just because his people discuss the culture that they lived in. 

"When we die, we'll all be set straight. But as Christians, accusing remarried victims of a biblically allowed divorce and calling them 'adulterers' is akin to labeling a fellow believer a 'murderer' because you're pretty sure they have hated someone in their heart at one time or another."

Jesus said:  Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).  If one commits adultery, he is an adulterer.  God promises that no adulterer will enter heaven (1 Co 6:9-10) so why would one chose to become an adulterer?  Men are responsible for what they know--not what they don't know.  Some commit sin and are not even aware of it (Lev 5:17-19).  Once they become aware of it, they are responsible for it before God (Jn 15:22, 24).  They must repent (Ps. 51:10–13).

"In general, it is not the Christ like thing to do - no matter how hard we try to support our position with verses taken here and there."

Once we become aware of sin we cannot:  blame an individual (Ge 3:12), claim to be innocent (Mt 27:24) or blame others (Ex 32:21-24).  Ever sin will be paid for by the individual or at the cross (2 Cor. 5:18, 19).  No sin will go unpunished (Eze 18:20, Ga 6:7).

"If our attitude is to condemn fellow believers and prove that they are persistent adulterers with the hopes of setting them straight or perhaps minimizing the pain/abuse by throwing around the phrase "What are you going to do?" how does that honor Christ?"

If people know the truth, they can respond accordingly guided by the Holy Spirit (Is. 58:11).  

"God who has the final say. We will all know the whole Truth one day."

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Heb 13:4).

God's way is the best way:  Rejoice with the wife of your youth (Pr 5:18B). 

 "You're right....You win. Congratulations. Someday may I understand God's Word like you. Until then, I will continue to show mercy and grace to many women who have suffered at the hands of their husbands - being sure to point out that if they ever desire to be remarried that it would surely be adultery."

They should know the truth of Luke 16:18 (Ac 20:20) because we will all give an account (1 Pe 4:5).  We live to please God not ourselves so we must honor his wishes.  The law is an expression of his will (Rom. 7:2–9).

"So they better prepare for a life of loneliness because that is what God commands (unless of course their ex-husbands die)."

Christians often suffer often at the hands of another.  If he suffered (Is 53:5), we likely will, too (Jn 15:20).    

"Too bad, so sad. Tough love without grace, because that is the Law! Our churches should really preach more of this."

Change the vow--'til faith do us part.  Christian divorce more than the world.   'Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage is Transforming America by Naomi Schaefer Riley

 "I apologize for my snarky remark above. Perhaps you don't understand the pain you inflict on others in the name of Christ."

I do. 

"It is hurtful even if you are trying to be helpful."

God is not interested in our happiness.  He is interested in our holiness (Jn 13:17).

"The argumentative tone you take and the lack of actual personal conversation takes on a pharisaical position even if you don't mean for it too.  It is one thing to try and speak the truth as you understand it, but to do so without love and with callousness of certain phrases like "What are ya gonna do?" is really quite contrary to the teachings of Christ and lacks compassion for those who have suffered at the hands of others."

God told Solomon not to multiply wife and not to multiply horses.  What did he do?  He multiplied wives and horses and went to hell.  God gave marriage for one woman and one man for life.  When one deviates from his plan, he destroys others. Solomon started out well and ended badly--what are you gonna do?

"Which is why I was wrong to post what I posted. I hope that you too will reflect on the manner in which you present your "case"..."

Lk 16:18

"...and understand that this isn't some mathematical equation which is so cut in dry that we get to condemn all those who disagree."

Obey his word with joy (Heb 13:17).

"I have very deeply ingrained convictions as well, and I also have done a lot of studying and can cite various verses, but I'm humble enough to understand that I simply don't know it all."

I understand Lk 16:18.

"And I readily admit that sometimes I am wrong..."

I'll tell you what I know. I won't tell you want I don't know.

"Yet God gives us grace. He sees our hearts. He forgives our sins and He speaks to His children with love. We should always strive to do the same."

The most loving thing one can do is tell another the truth (Ac 20:20).  God's way is the best way.  Their way will come to an end (Ps. 73:17–20).

Response to comment [from a Christian]:  "I agree with you. I see very little grace on this thread and lots of negativity."

Confine your offence to the gospel (Lk 16:18).

"I have seen lots of people who claim to love Jesus, but I do not see how we can follow Jesus without grace."

Disobedience is a disgrace to grace (Matt. 26:39, 42).

 "Maybe I am wrong here, but 1 Cor. 6:12 says "that is what some of you were." I cannot judge hearts here, but we all are sinners and we all have made mistakes. I think we should remember that Jesus forgave us so maybe we should leave it between God and us. I was in a sham marriage beforehand, and I am married. I was honest and open with [forum] ...According to this thread - I am not forgiven.  Discouraging really and from some that I respected."

People will be forgiven every sin and blasphemy, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven (Mt 12:31).

For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man (Ro 7:2–3).

"PS - my mom was abused and my dad was an alcoholic who became gay after they split. A well-meaning Christian told her that even though he was HIV positive, she was supposed to go back to him."

Jesus said otherwise.  If one is an adulterer, his wife is not required to fight for him.  He does not demand that the wife take on all of her husband's venereal diseases (Mt 5:32A).  All that God does leads to life and good living (Jn 10:10).

"This thread has really upset me on that front too. I mean no ill-intent here, but I am an open person now and while I could use Scripture to prove my point, I want to be real about it and speak from the heart."

Trust God's heart (Jer 17:9, Ps 31:19).

Response to comment [from a Christian]:  "...[I]f you answer questions this way to people who are hurting, you will do more damage than good."

Am I become your enemy, because I tell you the truth? Ga 4:6 The prophets prophesy lies...and my people love to have it this way (Jer 5:31).

"You argue and answer without love."

The most loving this one can do is tell another the truth (Ac 20:20).

"What does Scripture say about that? 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." No matter how "right" you are, if you have not love - you are a resounding gone or clanging symbol."

Love gives boldness (1 John 4:17–19). Love never fails (1 Co 13:8).

"People will not listen and you will turn them off to the Gospel. This is not how we are supposed to treat people. We are not lawyers for Christ." I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation (Ro 1:16). "But I'm done here. So, you may have the last word. But be mindful that in your haste to argue and prove yourself right..."

Who cares what I say? What has God said? Lk 16:1

"...[T]hat you do not shine a good light for the faith."

Who will bring a charge against God's elect? Ro 8:33

"Defending Scripture in love is one thing, admitting that you understand the pain you inflict on others without remorse (when you wrote, "I do.") is exceedingly concerning. We should never be boastful of such things. Jesus never acted this way..."

But those my enemies, who would not that I should reign over them, bring here, and slay them before me (Lk 19:27). 

"...[I]nstead he showed compassion while speaking truth. What you do and what He did are very different."

I say:

 Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).

Jesus said:

Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).

Response to comment [from a Christian]: "I see that Sarah has removed herself from this group, assumedly due to this argument.  This is not how we run our threads. We expect mercy and grace to be high priorities, not just knocking people down because they have a fault."

God is merciful (Is 54:7) and gracious (2 Co 12:9).  That is why we can rely on him. 

"We all have faults and should care about each other..."

I care about others (Mt 19:19).  I proof it by telling them the truth (Ac 20:20).   

"...not pull each other down."

Jesus said:  Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).

Response to comment [from a Christian]: "I have been following this debate from the sidelines. What I see is pain. This argument is obviously something that is very personal to you, something that has caused you great pain in the past. That pain, however, has grown into something else. I recognize it because I have experienced something very similar for myself. I used to debate as you do, never once considering the feelings of the person I was working with, only trying to be right."

Who cares if I'm right.  Is God right?  Is 11:4

"...I allowed my feelings for whatever the topic was to dictate the terms of the debate, nod God's feelings, and that's what I see missing here."

Here is Jesus' feeling: 

Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery (Lk 16:18).

"...Part of that love is forgiveness."

God forgives (Is 43:25). 

"...I had to learn to forgive those who caused me pain so that I could, in turn, approach others with a heart of forgiveness first."

Jesus said:

If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him (Lk 17:3).

See:

 Stop Me! Before I Forgive Again... by Bob Enyart

"Then my debate changed and I began drawing more people in, more people who were curious about the hope that they saw in me....I still speak truth to them, and they don't always like what I have to say, but the way I approach it has changed dramatically."

Would you like God to make all his children like you?  1 Co 12:21

"Jesus showed compassion for the woman caught in the act of adultery and for the Samaritan woman at the well. He spoke truth to them, but He also loved them and offered them forgiveness."

He did.  The Father has committed all judgment to Him (John 5:22, 30).  Isn't it good to know his word prior to meeting him face to face? 1 Pet. 1:17

"He shows that same compassion to anyone who has committed adultery (or any other sin)."

He does.  No reason to be excluded from Christian fellowship (Cor. 5:1–13).

"As hard as it may be, we must learn to do the same for any sin committed against us or someone we love."

If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him (Lk 17:3).