When you identify your assets in life, what do you list? Many people think of assets in terms of real estate, stocks and bonds, or material possessions. Some think in terms of natural talents or spiritual gifts.

The dearest treasure of your life—second only to your relationship with Jesus Christ—is a close friend.

A friend loves you unconditionally, catches you when you fall, believes in the best for you and encourages the best in you, shares your deepest concerns, applauds your successes and feels your pain, offers you constructive criticism in times of error, and feels sorrow for you in times of pain or rejection. A genuine friend is a gift of God’s mercy to you.

God’s foremost wisdom regarding our friendships and business associations is this: Be careful whom you choose. Never assume that just because a person seeks you out, you are in close proximity to a person, or an acquaintanceship with a person seems to develop quickly that God has sent this person to you. Ask Him!

Parents often have to say to their children or teenagers, "I want you to have good friends, but I am concerned about one or two of your friends." Although a child may protest, parents have the authority and responsibility to keep a child from forming friendships that they believe will be harmful to their child’s spiritual or emotional development and, in some cases, their physical safety.

What is your criterion for choosing a person to be your friend? Are you drawn to appearance, possessions, fame, or power? Ask yourself what appeals to you—and then quickly ask yourself if this is a godly character trait.

Where do you go to find friends? From time to time when I go out to eat, I take a moment to glance into the bar or lounge adjacent to the restaurant. Usually I am in a restaurant about the time of the so-called happy hour, and I want to see if the people in the bar are happy. I have yet to see a happy person in a bar at happy hour. Instead, I see looks of loneliness and sometimes despair on the faces of those who are there. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never wise to start a friendship solely on the basis of loneliness, and certainly not if the person is dousing his loneliness with a chemical substance. Such a relationship has a strong likelihood of ending in pain, disillusionment, and disappointment.

If a friendship is ever based on a personal need, it likely will develop in a warped way.

Do you choose Christians to be your friends? Too often, I hear people say, "I know my friend isn’t a Christian, but he’s a good person," or a teenager will say, "I know this person I’m dating doesn’t go to church and hasn’t accepted Christ, but I want to date this person anyway."

Anytime you put a qualifier of "but" on a relationship with an unbeliever, you are headed for a fall. God warns us: "Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’ " (1 Cor. 15:33 nasb).

"But my friend has good morals," you may say. That’s not the main principle involved in this verse. The truth is, those who are not Christians influence the behavior and character of Christians far more than Christians influence the behavior and character of unbelievers.

Don’t enter into a friendship or relationship hoping or believing that you will win that person to Christ and then everything will be perfect. You may witness to that person, but in the end, you are not the one who brings a person to salvation—that is the role of the Holy Spirit. You may also influence the behavior of another person, but in all likelihood, the unyielding unbeliever is not going to adopt lasting godly behavior in his or her life—the unbeliever does not truly have the capacity for change. It is the Holy Spirit in us who imparts to us the ability to repent and change the way we think, feel, and respond to life.

Rather than your having influence over the unbeliever, the probability is that the unbeliever is going to convince you to go places or to do things that you would never go or do on your own initiative. The temptations are going to be strong: "You don’t know what you’re missing" … "you could go and influence the people there for good" … "you should try this before you dismiss it is as being bad" … "everybody does this—don’t be a prude."

There is a difference between your developing a relationship with a person in order for you to witness to him about Christ, and your development of a friendship with an unbeliever. If you are trying to win a person to Christ, then your relationship has a very specific goal and purpose. A friendship, however, is for mutual benefit and for the sharing of a common life. A friendship involves a sharing of time, resources, and help. Be cautious in the amount of your time, the extent of your resources, and the nature of the help you give to or receive from an unbeliever.

You must ask yourself, "To what extent am I willing to go to win this person to Christ?" If you do not answer that question up front, you may find yourself sucked into a relationship that is far more pervasive, invasive, and expensive—not only in terms of financial expense but in terms of emotional pain—than you had intended.

From God’s perspective, bad company includes anything and any person that draws you away or diminishes the importance of your relationship to Christ Jesus and your following His commandments explicitly. We are never called to compromise character or to have close fellowship with unbelievers. Make certain that the friends you choose share your values, beliefs, and ethical standards.

God’s Word gives some very explicit advice about who should not become your friend.

Many people I encounter, including many Christians, seem to dismiss gossip as amusing, as interesting, and as something that doesn’t cause serious harm. God’s Word takes a very different approach. In fact, the apostle Paul identified the "busybody in other people’s matters" in a list that includes "murderer," "thief," and "evildoer." Gossip murders a person’s reputation; it robs a person of the right of innocence until proven guilty, and it judges and condemns a person without a fair trial. God’s Word plainly says:

He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets;

Therefore do not associate with one who flatters with his lips. (Prov. 20:19)

If a person slanders or gossips about other people to you … you can be assured that person will slander and gossip about you to others. A gossip does not merely give information in a neutral way or provide facts that can result in help for a person. Rather, a gossip tells tales—partial truths, incomplete facts, slanted stories—for a perverse or self-centered reason, generally to win your favor and to bring some form of detriment to a person he considers to be a rival or a threat. The moment the gossiping person perceives you as a rival or a threat, you can be assured that you will become the subject of tales to others.

Some people seem to be perpetually angry. Their anger may stem from bitterness that began to develop in their childhood because they felt cheated out of something or rejected by a person who was important to them. The root of their anger may be a prejudice or hatred that took root in their lives as the result of pain or sorrow they felt was inflicted on them without cause. Seething, long-lasting anger can erupt without notice.

Other people have grown up in homes where one or both parents exhibited a hot temper. As children, they never learned to express deeply held emotions or convictions without blowing their stack.

The trouble with vented anger is that it damages other people, regardless of the motivation for the anger or the quickness of its rising and fading. Expressions of raw, unmediated, unmeasured, unfettered anger always lead to pain, and usually that pain is felt most intensely by those who are the most innocent.

When you make friends with an angry person, you are going to find yourself developing an angry spirit. What angers him is likely to anger you. The way he expresses anger is likely to become the way you express anger. God’s Word is very clear:

Make no friendship with an angry man,

And with a furious man do not go,

Lest you learn his ways

And set a snare for your soul. (Prov. 22:24–25)

Anger truly is a snare—it keeps us from seeing good in others, it keeps us from quickly and freely forgiving, and it keeps us from expressing the godly character traits of patience, mercy, kindness, and self-control.

Rebellion is not only an angry lashing-out against someone or something—it can also be a quiet, willful resistance that manifests itself as disloyalty or discontentment against those in authority. The rebellious person does not choose to obey—rather, he is pulled in various directions by his own desires and lusts. He is unstable, subject to frequent changes of his own opinion. A rebel reacts to life, sometimes in highly volatile ways. He is not committed to the Lord, nor is he likely to be committed to those in leadership.

The person who is loyal only to himself cannot be loyal to a friend. Avoid friendship with such a person—he can turn on you very quickly and become your enemy. God warns:

My son, fear the Lord and the king;

Do not associate with those given to change;

For their calamity will rise suddenly,

And who knows the ruin those two can bring? (Prov. 24:21–22)

The person who is self-indulgent is not in control of his own desires. His self-indulgence may be manifested as gluttony (consistent overindulgence in food and drink), immoral behavior (an uncontrolled drive to satisfy sexual desires), or greed (an insatiable desire for more and more possessions). The self-indulgent person may be power-hungry or very manipulative because he is always seeking what he wants, when he wants it, without regard to the needs and concerns of others.

If you form a friendship with such a person, you are likely to find yourself being used by that person. He or she will attempt to consume your time, your resources, your energy, and if possible, the time, resources, and energy of those you know. And when he has taken all you have to give, he will move on to the next person. God’s Word warns: "Whoever keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons shames his father" (Prov. 28:7).

Have you ever gone to lunch with a plan that you are not going to have dessert or overindulge in carbohydrates, only to find yourself with a person who wants to try everything on the menu from an appetizer to a rich dessert? The other person, of course, wants you to try a bite of everything and won’t take "no thank you" for an answer. And in the end, you walk away from that lunch more than full and having completely blown your intention to have a light, nutritious meal.

The fact is, self-indulgent people influence us. They seem to embrace life fully and are always curious and eager to try new things that capture their imagination or tickle their senses. The self-indulgent person can appear to be bigger than life, a lot of fun to be around. But beware! In the end, that person can cause you to throw away your own disciplines and get off track with God’s best plan for your life—all in the name of experiencing more of life or having a good time.

We live in an age when people are prone to say, "What they do behind closed doors is their business." The truth of God’s Word is that we are to judge morality—not judge a person, but judge behavior. We are to know what is right and wrong when it comes to morals and ethics, and clearly so when it comes to sexual immorality. God’s Word says clearly:

A perverse man sows strife,

And a whisperer separates the best of friends.

(Prov. 16:28)

Whoever loves wisdom makes his father rejoice,

But a companion of harlots wastes his wealth.

(Prov. 29:3)

"Wealth" in this second verse refers to a person’s total substance—one’s physical, mental, and emotional health and energy, material resources, integrity, reputation, relationships, and Christian witness. When we engage in sexual immorality, we lose much of who we are as well as what we have.

The Bible is very clear on the issue of sexual immorality. Christians are not to engage in premarital sex (called fornication in some versions of the Bible) or extramarital sex (otherwise known as infidelity or adultery). There are no exceptions. Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage.

This stance runs one hundred and eighty degrees counter to our culture. Popular music and television programs, even those in prime time that are aired to children, are filled with sexual innuendo and at times, explicit sexual behavior. Movies—even those labeled PG or PG-13—tell our children and teens more about sexual behavior than any sex-education course. From billboards to magazine advertising, sex is used to sell products. The result is an ongoing plague of sexual diseases and unwanted pregnancies, which in turn has led to abortions and unplanned children. When will we wake up?

Even if there was not a strong sexual overtone to much of what we see and hear in a given day, we would still have to face our own physical senses and drives. The Bible tells us that the lust of the flesh tempts us to turn away from God’s path of purity and righteousness.

Each of us is moving in one direction or the other at any given time—either we are moving toward fulfillment of our fleshly desires without regard to God’s wisdom, or we are moving toward God’s way, plan, and purpose. And which direction is easier? The easy way is always the way of the flesh. It is our natural tendency to want to meet the needs and drives we feel—it takes discipline and trust in God not to give in to fleshly desires. An immoral friend doesn’t have to talk very long or very hard. The temptation is already there. What we need are friends who help us say "no" to self-gratifying impulses.

You may be saying, "Just because my friend is immoral doesn’t mean that I will become immoral."

Perhaps not immediately … but if you stay in that friendship, I am strongly convinced that before very long, you will begin to compromise your own moral standards. The compromise may be subtle at first—it may be a change in the way you dress, the vocabulary you start to use, or the things you think or daydream about. The compromise will likely include the jokes you tell and the things you converse about with your immoral friend. Eventually the compromise will lead to a change in the materials you read and see, the way you walk and act around others, and the places you go. Before long, your own sexual desires will drive your life. Rather than have a passion for following Christ, you will have a passion to satisfy your own flesh.

Don’t start down that slippery slope. Don’t form a friendship with a person you know is immoral.

We tend to think of fools as being silly or frivolous people. The Bible takes a much more serious approach: A fool is a person who has arrogantly chosen his own way over God’s way. He has pushed God out of his life. He has refused all discretion, discernment, or wisdom that God’s Word offers. Fools are described in the book of Proverbs as being deceitful and slanderous (Prov. 10:18). They laugh at sin (Prov. 14:9). A fool regards wisdom as being too lofty (Prov. 1:7)—a fool shuns wisdom and pursues his own folly.

A wise son makes a father glad,

But a foolish man despises his mother.

Folly is joy to him who is destitute of discernment,

But a man of understanding walks uprightly.

(Prov. 15:20–21)

Those who love the world do not love God. A person who has turned his heart away from the Lord is not going to build up your faith, help you live a righteous life, or encourage you to pursue wisdom. Choose friends who love God and who desire to follow God’s commandments!

What is the potential impact of friendship on your life? The potential is one for abundant good.

A good friend will bring joy and pleasure to you. You should enjoy being with or going places with a friend. A wise, godly friend causes you to feel acceptance and love. He or she reflects God’s love and care for you. A good friend gives you a feeling of assurance and comfort that you are not alone in this world—someone knows you, understands you, and appreciates you.

A good friend should help you to develop as a person. It is in close friendship that we learn better how to communicate with other people, how to empathize with and help those in need, how to rejoice with those who are succeeding in life, and how to give and take. We learn how to relate on a deeper, more intimate level—we learn how to be more vulnerable and to share who we really are.

A good friend gives a person the freedom to share anything he or she wants to share, without fear of condemnation, judgment, or a pulling away. A good friend will motivate you to grow spiritually. As you open up your heart to a friend and admit your struggles, and as you pray with your friend and discuss the Word of God, your desire for the Lord is increased.

A woman once told me about a few of the temptations she had experienced as a teenager growing up in Florida in the 1970s. She said, "What got me through that time was that I had two good Christian friends. One of them went to my high school and both of them went to my church. The three of us became loyal, true friends to one another and we did a lot of things together after school and on weekends. When one of us felt temptation, we knew we had two friends who would stand with us and help us say ‘no.’ " She concluded, "You can be strong in the face of just about anything if you have a friend standing on your right and on your left."

A good friend can be highly motivating. A good friend builds us up so that we want to become and to accomplish all that our friend believes we can be and do.

A good friend accepts the fact that you are imperfect and, at the same time, does his best to help you become more like Christ Jesus. A good friend will not express shock or dismay at your struggles in life, but rather, will say, "We all go through tough times. I’m here for you. I’m going to walk through this with you, pray for you, and you’re going to emerge from this stronger."

A good friend can help you become more productive, have a higher energy level, and have more enthusiasm for life. A good friend gives you the confidence to take godly risks, embrace new challenges, and move to the next level in your work or hobby. When you know that someone loves you and is standing with you and believes in you … you are far more willing to step out in faith and develop your full potential physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. A good friendship gives you an abiding confidence.

History bears out the truth that most highly successful men have a woman in their lives who loves them, motivates them, encourages them, and helps them to achieve their best and highest. It may be a mother, a sister, an aunt, or a wife. Every good marriage I have ever witnessed bears this quality that both the husband and the wife encourage each other to walk in godly wisdom and to be and do their very best.

There are also some potential negative aspects to a friendship. Because friendships are valuable and influential, they can hurt us as much as bless us.

A friendship can disappoint you. Without warning, a friend can turn away or disappear. I once had what I considered to be a close friendship with a person who suddenly, and without any explanation, withdrew from our friendship. To this day, I do not know why this happened. He never offered an explanation. I was disappointed to lose this man’s friendship.

One thing I learned from that experience was that we must never allow a disappointment in friendship to cause us to become bitter or to close ourselves off from other people. We must never say, "Because that friend hurt me, I’m not going to trust anybody to be my friend in the future."

At times, our friends can cause us to feel distress or deep concern. If we see our friend making a choice that we know is unwise, or if we see our friend walking away from Christ, we are naturally going to feel distress. When we truly love others, we find their willful rebellion very troubling.

Not only can a friendship drag us down into sinful behavior, but a friend can drag us down emotionally. At times a friend can place such high emotional demands on us, or be in such an unhealthy emotional state, that we find ourselves feeling inadequate, fearful, depressed, or angry right along with that person. If a friendship causes you to lose your joy in the Lord, or to feel perpetually angry, bitter, discouraged, or frustrated … reevaluate that friendship.

If a friendship is dragging you down, reflect upon your own upbringing and background. Are you repeating negative patterns from your childhood in your adult friendships? Are you emotionally too dependent upon your friend, or have you allowed a friend to become too emotionally dependent upon you? Are you suffering from emotional or even physical abuse from a friend because you learned that pattern of behavior in your early years? Is it easy for you to fall into a mutual pattern of anger, bitterness, or depression in a friendship because you have held these feelings inside you for a number of years?

The health of your friendships is very often directly related to the health of your family during your growing-up years. If your childhood family life was marred by poor communication, power struggles between your parents or siblings, eruptions of anger, fear in a parent, or a withholding of affection … you likely will be prone to develop friendships that begin to exhibit the same qualities. Or you may find that friendships become a source of frustration to you because you are seeking a "perfect" friendship that is opposite the home life you had as a child.

There are no perfect friendships because there are no perfect people. There are, however, mature, godly, mutually rewarding and satisfying friendships—and those friendships tend to be ones in which both parties are seeking to become mature, godly, wise people.

In the extreme, an unwise friendship can so influence you to participate in evil that you experience destruction to your body, your emotional health, your career, or your relationships with family members, other friends, or fellow church members. An unwise friendship can draw you away from Christ and away from all things that are beneficial to you. In the end, an unwise friendship can bring about the destruction of your life.

What impact are your friends having on you? Are your friends building you up, bringing you blessing, and drawing you closer to Christ? Are they a genuine delight to you, a help to you, an encouragement to you? Are you a better person because of the friends you have?

Or are your friendships marked by disappointment, disillusionment, or damaging emotions? Are your friends leading you to engage in behaviors that are ungodly? Are they encouraging you to adopt opinions or to hold beliefs that are contrary to God’s Word? Are you becoming less joyful, less productive, or less godly as the result of a friendship?

These questions, of course, are valid to ask about a romantic relationship or a professional relationship related to our work or career.

The unalterable fact is this … friendships have an impact on our lives—for better or worse. Friendships cause us to grow, develop positively, and change our habits for the better … or they stunt our growth, cause us to develop bad habits, and to change in negative ways.

If only for that supreme fact, we need to choose our friends and business associates with care and prayer, always keeping in mind the hallmarks of what a true and godly friend should be. I like this definition that I came across recently:

A friend should be radical.

He should love you when you’re unlovable,

Hug you when you’re unhuggable,

And bear with you when you’re unbearable.

A friend should be fanatical.

He should cheer you when the whole world boos,

Dance when you get good news,

And cry when you cry, too.

But most of all, a friend should be mathematical.

He should multiply the joy, divide the sorrow,

Subtract the past, and add to tomorrow,

Calculate the need deep in your heart,

And always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Do you have a radical, fanatical, mathematical friend? Are you that kind of a friend to others?


Stanley, C. F. (2002). Walking wisely: real guidance for life’s journey (pp. 137–156). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.